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5. Guard DogA man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you." They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. "Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you." The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his ass. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. "This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his ass !" "I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth." Back to Top
My dog's cross-eyedA man takes his Rottweiler dog to the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him ? ". "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What ? Because he's cross-eyed ?". "No, because he's really heavy".
My dog was really barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
What do you get if you cross a pitbull terrier with a labrador puppy ? A dog that makes you crap yourself and then runs away with the toilet paper.
Paddy, Paddy & The Pigs ?Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol' mate, how are we gonna tell who owns which pig?" Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of the ears off my pig, and then we can tell them apart". "Ah that'd be grand" says Paddy. This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said "Your pig has chewed the ear off of my pig. Now we got two pigs with on one ear each. How are we gonna tell who owns which pig?" "Well Paddy" said Paddy "I'll cut the other ear off my pig. Then we'll have two pigs and only one of them will have an ear". "Ah that'd be grand" says Paddy. Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said "Your pig has chewed the other ear off of my pig. Now we got two pigs with no ears ! How are we gonna tell who owns which pig?" "Ah this is serious, Paddy", said Paddy, "I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll cut the tail off of my pig, then we'll have two pigs with no ears and only one with a tail." "Ah that'd be grand" says Paddy. Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it. Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY!" shouted Paddy "YOUR PIG HAS CHEWED THE TAIL OFF OF MY PIG AND NOW WE GOT TWO PIGS WITH NO EARS AND NO TAILS !!. HOW THE HELL ARE WE EVER GONNA TELL THEM APART ?!" "Ah what the hell !" says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one." Back to Top
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